In a continued effort to make sure you arent taking yourself too seriously, we start the week with "The Continuing Adventures Of Quisp". In this episode, our friend with the beady eyes and a propellor glued to his head is nearly taken captive.

Happy Father's Day to all you domesticated Dads out there. So, what does Dad think about as his eyes gaze into the family barbeque pit after you slap some goofy apron on his sagging physique ? It varies man to man, but roughly as follows:

I had some fun with a home improvement project the other day. There was a big old rhododendron bush near the end of my cement walk that was all but dead, and unsightly. I grew tired of walking by it each day, a blight on an otherwise neat and tidy front yard. I decided to take it out, and replace it with a few new shrubs and flowers. Upon examining the twisted trunk pinned in between the cement walk and house foundation, I figured I'd gas up the chainsaw, snip the branches close to the stump and dig it out. Standard operating procedure.

 Luckily, I had a flash of ingenuity borne of the desire to have a little fun. I don’t have a tractor, but I do have a 4 cyl Toyota sedan which so happens to have a tow hook welded to the frame. I also so happen to have a length of some heavy guage rope, real tough natural braid. So… not even wasting time with the saw, I tied the rope around the base of the bush (this was a big bush and had been growing many years) and double looped the other end of the rope through the frame of my small import sedan. Slow in reverese to take out the slack, a couple of gentle snaps of the clutch to break the roots and then one long steady pull and the whole root ball popped out like a tooth. Perfect.

 The whole process got me to thinking how much fun I had driving tractors working on farms in my younger years. Good honest work. I pulled out a lot of stumps with a Ford 7610, which is a pretty stong tractor, but I never pulled out an entire tree. You need an even bigger machine for that….Have a look: The Lorax would be most displeased.

Sorry to disappoint you if you thought this was going to be about the Erica Jong novel featuring the exploits of Isadora Zelda White Stollerman Wing, but it's actually about fear of flying, as in an airplane. You havent read the aforementioned novel ? I wonder if they'd ban it if it came out today. Before you go search for the title at your local library, have a look here (below) if you are afraid to park your butt in an overpriced, (and too narrow) seat 36 thousand feet off the ground. I have never had a problem flying, in fact I always opt for a window seat and almost continually look out the window at the terrain below testing my knowledge of geography. If the view is obscured by clouds, I love to look at the cloud formations. It's not everyday you can go whizzing along at 600mph and (hopefully) not hit anything. I love the rush of take off when the old aluminum bird roars it engines and goes screaming down the runway…. what an intense feeling of freedom when you lift off and the sun glints on the wing. You just have to suspend fear, refresh your memory as to the reasonable reassurances and try to enjoy. Keep in mind there are literally hundreds of airliners in the air right now, over this country alone. The worst part about flying is likely the price.. concentrate on that, or pick up that book  and read it on the plane.

Why is it always the people with the most boring milk toast lives are always those most concerned with surveillance conspiracies ? Ever notice that? Is their freedom really in jeopardy or have they just been watching too many TV shows ? Have the police ever come crashing your down at 3am ? Do the black helicopters circle your house incessantly ? Probably not.

 You say "the gubmint" is tracing you phone calls ? Yeah, theres probably a record of them somewhere. Ive always assumed that. Im not doing anything wrong so I really don’t care. I even pay my taxes and don’t complain, imagine that. If they have been listening in for example to conversations I had with my "ex", I know for sure I am off their list forever. I know this because the syndication contract for the worlds most pitiable comedy series never arrived in the mail.

 What Im saying is why on earth are people so convinced Uncle Sam is watching their every move ? Its hilarious. I had a kid at Walmart tell me that he had it on good authority that "the gubmint" was buying up all the .22 rounds, and stockpiling them. The only thing I can think is that they must have advance knowledge on an invasion to be staged by bunny rabbits. I'll guard my carrots.

 Pay your tax, keep your nose clean and the world will turn. Take what you hear with a grain of salt and ask yourself if your life is really curtailed, clipped, confounded or curdled by The NSA, CIA, DEA, ATF, FBI or any other organizational acronym. My bet is if you put 80 thousand people in a football stadium you might find a couple dozen worthy of surveillance, and chances are they aint Oapey or Aunt Bee.

 While we're at it, lets think about all the nasty things "the gubmint" does to make our lives miserable. For instance, ever since they built "that there darned" Eisenhower Interstate System we cant enjoy a leisurely ride to Grandma's in the horse and buggy. Dang ! We were hopin to catch pneumonia on the way in dead of winter. Whats more, if it werent for "them there" big "gubmint" regulations all the big wigs and fat cats in the offshore corporations would forgo avarice, greed and profit and give us  a better deal on everything from gas to prescription medicine. Right away. Would you like to buy a bridge considering yesterday was your birthday ?

 Our system isnt perfect, but best I can tell it far exceeds day to day life in the outlands of Sudan.